On Limerence and Loss

A piece of writing on limerence and loss I bookmarked a while back.

It's worth the read.

Why I Won't Ask How You're Doing
By Chelsea Fagan

Some nights, when I couldn't sleep, I would do this thing -- I'd look at the Facebook profile of a guy I used to date. 

We weren't together that long, only about a month, and it never really got that serious. But for that month, for that time we were together, we were together. We saw each other almost every day and got to know each other really quickly (maybe far too quickly). We didn't share mutual friends, but we met each others', we melted into each others' lives, if only for a few minutes. It was nice. It felt...adult. 

But in the end, it didn't work out. We were never really compatible, and although there were many things I adored about him, we went our separate ways. Life happens. No hard Feelings. 

And it's odd, in looking at his profile, I felt this objective sense of curiosity. No emotions colored my interest, there was no fevered clicking through photos, no frantic searching for updates on his life. He wasn't dating anyone new, but even if he had been, I wouldn't have cared. I just found myself asking simple questions. Who is this person? What does he do now? He must be the same, he lives in that same beautiful apartment that was always a few degrees too cold. He still wears that sweater that I loved, the one I occasionally stole. 

And though we weren't a great love story, although we were just a flash in the pan-two people in their twenties, laughing and bullshitting and drinking Blue Moon, we were something. I can remember the way he sounds, the way his hair felt, the way he made tea in the mornings when the sun melted through the window. I can still hear his laugh, still taste the strawberries we got at the farmers market, so juicy and ripe they almost fell apart in your hands. It's all still here. But even with such visceral memories, he doesn't exist to me anymore. 

Valentine-ish Images

Don't get down on yourself if you're single, as I am. I haven't made any special plans for tomorrow night at all. Instead, call up a few close friends and spend the evening preparing a simple dinner and watching a heartwarming film.

Sometimes it can be nice to look back on old memories by rummaging through valentine cards and sweet notes from past loves. I tend to keep a modest collection of heartfelt pieces from past relationships. It can be painful too look at these soon after a breakup though, so you may find it wise to tuck them away for a while before being able to fully appreciate them again.

The following is a letter from years ago that made me smile...

August 2005

 Renee,

Ever since the day I met you, my heart has pounded through my chest. You can make me smile when I am in the worst mood, you have the most beautiful personality of anyone I have met, there are just so many great traits about you that it would take me a week to write them all down. I have never been happier or more satisfied than I have been with you. You truly are a one-of-a-kind girlfriend. You mean so much to me that I am at a loss of words. Thank you for letting me hold you in my arms. I have never felt so complete.

Sincerely, 

A.L.

I do hope everyone has a nice valentine's day!

________________
a few related links:
- a collection other people's love letters
- a decadent french recipe for coeur a la creme
- dear old love may leave a melancholy aftertaste
- one, two, three, four, five love quotes
- a love letter written in one sentence

(photo sources: 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7)

Lovely Finds

one | two | three | four

Just a few lovely valentine gift ideas I've come across on the internet lately. You may even find that special something you've been searching for. If you're looking for a few more gift ideas for her, check out Joanna Goddards post: 10 Valentine's Day gifts for women.

(top photo credit)

A Moment Worth Everything

With valentines day right around the corner, maybe this will inspire you to write a small note to a loved one. Personal gifts that come from the heart are always your best route because knowing that someone put time, effort and thought into a gift makes it much more special.

If you're single, get a few of your girl friends together for homemade dinner before popping in a movie. A couple of my personal favorites are 500 Day Of Summer and Eternal Sunshine Of A Spotless Mind. Enjoy!

(photo source: 1 / 2)

Speech Bubble Card

A simple and sweet valentine card design from Our Shop. 

________________

A few more links:
-try this card if you're in a long distance relationship.

-this tea for two idea will surely warm his heart up.

-eep it simple by writing down ten things you love about him.

(photo source)

Show Love

A small list of sweet things that made me smile.

_________________________
forget to check out these links:
-le love is a blog dedicated to love, the good, the bad, and the unknown.
-on a bittersweet note, old loves is dedicated to former celeb couples.
-the six different types of ways to be in love.

(photo source: 1 / 2)

The One Who Leaves

I'm trying to get some homework done at a coffee shop right now, but as usual something I was thinking about made me lose my focus. I decided to take a small break and read though some of the new articles on thought catalog since I haven't been on there in a while. After reading through a few of the titles, I finally came across one that sounded intriguing entitled It's Harder to be the One Who Leaves.

I've witnessed a number of friends and acquaintances who have stayed in relationships they've been miserable in, simply because they fear they won't find a better match, which is an awful reason. I've heard some of the most ridiculous justifications for their partners, too. Because of that, I realized I'd never want to be in a relationship that goes against my core belief system and overall happiness, when it should be more of a positive incorporation to my life, and less of a negative one. 

I can't let myself go off topic and expand on anything specific, but for me, it took a while for the shock of a particular past breakup go into full effect. The logical reasons for ending it seemed to disappear once things finally begin to settle in. Of course this is more applicable to long-term and serious relationships, but when you are the one who ended it, you are expected to be the stronger one. It's likely you won't get as much much sympathy compared to the one whose heart you broke, even if yours is broken in just as many pieces.

There are a multitude of thoughts and feelings that are difficult to communicate or to understand unless you've been in that particular position, some of which are discussed in this article. I felt this.

________________________
a few things to keep in mind:

-be thankful for the good times.

-don't look so regrettably at the closed door.

-you will be happy again, promise.

-to have something half-way is harder.

(photo source)

Breakups and Fresh Starts

I'm sure we all know by now that breakups are an inevitable part of life. We've all been through them, and most likely more than one. From going through short-lived and long-term relationship breakups, I have learned that not matter how bad it is, life goes on. Whether things start to fade and you begin to grow apart or something unforgivable happens, life does go on.

I've always held the belief that "everything happens for a reason". I also strive to learn something new from each relationship in hopes to better myself in some way. Learning from heartache is best if we reflect and grow from our relationship mishaps. And below are a few things I've learned throughout the years.

A Love Letter from 1919

A letter to F. Scott Fitzgerald  from Zelda.

Spring 1919



Sweetheart,



Please, please don’t be so depressed—We’ll be married soon, and then these lonesome nights will be over forever—and until we are, I am loving, loving every tiny minute of the day and night—Maybe you won’t understand this, but sometimes when I miss you most, it’s hardest to write—and you always know when I make myself—Just the ache of it all— and I can’t tell you. If we were together, you’d feel how strong it is—you’re so sweet when you’re melancholy. I love your sad tenderness—when I’ve hurt you—That’s one of the reasons I could never be sorry for our quarrels—and they bothered you so—Those dear, dear little fusses, when I always tried so hard to make you kiss and forget—


Scott—there’s nothing in all the world I want but you—and your precious love—All the material things are nothing. I’d just hate to live a sordid, colorless existence—because you’d soon love me less—and less—and I’d do anything—anything—to keep your heart for my own—I don’t want to live—I want to love first, and live incidentally—Why don’t you feel that I’m waiting—I’ll come to you, Lover, when you’re ready—Don’t don’t ever think of the things you can’t give me—You’ve trusted me with the dearest heart of all— and it’s so damn much more than anybody else in all the world has ever had—



How can you think deliberately of life without me—If you should die—O Darling— darling Scott—It’d be like going blind. I know I would, too,—I’d have no purpose in life— just a pretty—decoration. Don’t you think I was made for you? I feel like you had me ordered—and I was delivered to you—to be worn—I want you to wear me, like a watch—charm or a button hole boquet—to the world. And then, when we’re alone, I want to help—to know that you can’t do anything without me.

I’m glad you wrote Mamma. It was such a nice sincere letter—and mine to St. Paul was very evasive and rambling. I’ve never, in all my life, been able to say anything to people older than me—Somehow I just instinctively avoid personal things with them—even my family. Kids are so much nicer.

one | two | three

Liking Is For Cowards

Liking Is For Cowards. Go For What Hurts.
By: Jonathan Franzen

The simple fact of the matter is that trying to be perfectly likable is incompatible with loving relationships. Sooner or later, for example, you're going to find yourself in a hideous, screaming fight, and you'll hear coming out of your mouth things that you yourself don't like at all, things that shatter your self-image as a fair, kind, cool, attractive, in-control funny, likable person. Something realer than likability has come out in you, and suddenly you're having an actual life. 

Suddenly there's a real choice to be made, not a fake consumer choice between a BlackBerry and an iPhone, but a question: Do I love this person? And, for the other person, does this person love me? 

There is no such thing as a person whose real self you like every particle of. This is why a world of liking is ultimately a lie. But there is such a thing as a person whose real self you love every particle of. And this is why love is such an existential threat to the techno-consumerist order: it exposes the lie. 

This is not to say that love is only about fighting. Love is about bottomless empathy, born out of the heart’s revelation that another person is every bit as real as you are. And this is why love, as I understand it, is always specific. Trying to love all of humanity may be a worthy endeavor, but, in a funny way, it keeps the focus on the self, on the self’s own moral or spiritual well-being. Whereas, to love a specific person, and to identify with his or her struggles and joys as if they were your own, you have to surrender some of your self.

The big risk here, of course, is rejection. We can all handle being disliked now and then, because there’s such an infinitely big pool of potential likers. But to expose your whole self, not just the likable surface, and to have it rejected, can be catastrophically painful. The prospect of pain generally, the pain of loss, of breakup, of death, is what makes it so tempting to avoid love and stay safely in the world of liking.

And yet pain hurts but it doesn’t kill.  

A Summer Crush

A crush has that way of making you feel like you're walking on clouds. You tend to look a bit idiotic once you realize you can't wipe the smile off your face. An act as small as holding hands, and the anticipation of the first kiss are so exciting. Priorities seem to shift as you bump this person closer to the top of your list. And the butterflies? No matter how long it's been since you've felt them fluttering about your insides, it's always just as exciting as the first time. Even if you know it might turn out to only be a summer fling and that things may eventually snap back to normal once the summer sun sets, for right now being in that summer dream with your crush is enough.

Why? I wondered the same thing. Sometimes on my off time I like to delve a bit deeper into the meaning behind certain curiosities, and today that curiosity is crushes. What makes a crush a crush? What's the meaning behind the word, and what's going on in our insides for real? The technical term, limerence, was coined by psychologist Dorthy Tennov in 1977. After doing a bit of research on the topic of love, I found this book by Tennov entitled Love & Limerence: The Experience Of Being In Love.

_________________________________
A few other links I found on the topic:
Sexes: Let's Fall in Limerence
'Limerence' Makes the Heart Grow Far Too Fonder
The Chemistry of Cupid's Arrow

(photo credit: missgeorgialeigh, le love, weheartit)

Thought Catalog

Sometimes I rather curl up in bed with a good read instead of going out to get wasted with the rest of the twenty-somethings out there. Lately, I've been hooked on Thought Catalog. The site is ran by a younger group of free-lance writers who don't take themselves too serious, and comprised of a wide range of articles and humorous anecdotes. Their stories incorporate plenty of wit, sarcasm and intelligence. I find this new sort of breed of journalists to be rather entertaining and get a kick out of what I come across while exploring the latest. 

You may have to look past your initial reaction and just laugh about some of the articles, as I'm sure there are people who wouldn't condone certain topics brought up. They do touch on current events and issues of a more serious nature as well, but it's pretty entertaining to delve into the less serious and more raunchy/humorous ones. Check it out for yourself:

What Happens When You Get Into a Relationship 

By: Ryan O'Connell

When you get into a relationship, you will be a lot happier? I think that’s how it works. I’m not entirely sure. You’re supposed to feel like you’ve won some implicit race—the race to monogamy and security and family vacations and cocktail parties and faded polaroids and diapers and screaming and tears and orgasms and i love you and i hate you. Yeah, I think that’s what it’s all about.

When you get into a relationship, you’re going to be a lot fatter? You’ll be eating spaghetti and meatballs every night, which will be topped with I’m In Love sauce. Every dollop of I’m In Love sauce contains 3,000 calories though. In fact, every time you tell your significant other “I love you”, you go up a waist size. I think this is okay. I think this doesn’t matter. I think if you’re going to be fat, you might as well be in love.

When you get into a relationship, you’re going to forget about all the bad things that ever happened to you? That’s what happens when you have someone. You. Just. Forget. You’re on love drugs, which causes amnesia, which causes happiness. Every moment of your life is dedicated to being present and attentive. The long stretch of time that exists ahead of you doesn’t feel so daunting. I think that’s how it works. I really don’t know, you know?

When you get into a relationship, it will fix everything? You’ll stop getting sad while watching certain movies or feeling like a piece of crap when you read Cosmopolitan. You’re invincible to it now. They can’t get to you anymore. The lambs have stopped screaming. I’m not a doctor though. Like, I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure about all of this.

When you get into a relationship, you’re going to be hurting someone very badly someday. Because that relationship will alter at some point and it will feel like the wind has been knocked out of you. This is how it all works. This I know for certain. I know this more than the weight gain and the fixing everything and the cocktail parties and the diapers and the orgasms. This has happened to me. This has happened to you. This happens. It’s sad, I guess, but it’s also just what we have to endure as people with brains and hearts and genitalia. Getting into a relationship means getting outside of yourself and into someone else, and then finding your way back to you again. The whole process just makes you feel so…alive? Yes, that’s it. That’s what it’s all about. Feeling alive big bang boom. Bingo. Can I go now? 

__________________________
a few more articles I enjoyed: 
-What I Actually Think During A Random Hook Up
-5 Reasons I Hate Cell Phones (And You Should Too)
-A List of Highly Effective Ways To Procrastinate
-The Pros And Cons Of Being Introverted

-Top 5 Things People Like To Write On Someone's Facebook Wall

-Being Depressed Has Benefits